This Man's Struggle

The 10 Lies Of Disordered Sexual Activity

2007-11-24T17:14:00.000-08:00

I thought I would list some of the common lies I hear whispered in my moments of weakness, and their proper response:

I'm incapable of winning this battle. This, of course, is tantamount to waving the white flag. I need to accept the various levels of culpability for my past failures as well as the victory I will achieve by God's grace.
There's nothing I can do about my compulsion. I really need to ask myself "What have I been willing to do to overcome my compulsion?"
I deserve this. I am indeed entitled to enjoy the good of life, but this is just a cheap substitute.
This babe is so... God did not bring this person into existence so I could turn them into an object for my personal gratification.
They want to be objectified. They are made in the image of God and no action on their part can eradicate that, or God's desire for their greatest good. I need to get with God's will for them.
This makes me feel alive. This may get the blood flowing and the synapses popping, but this is just an illusion of life. Real life happens with real human encounters based on the well-being of all parties involved.
No one is getting hurt. What if this were my sister or wife or mother? And what about me? Is this helping me reach my goal of loving with the love of God?
It won't go as far as last time. This is a compulsion that I need to avoid at all costs because at some point I do end up loosing my freedom and my ability to choose. What can I choose now?
It's no big deal. God will forgive me. God is not obliged to forgive me, but does so because he is merciful and loves me. Presumption is a serious sin that hardens my heart. True contrition (sorry over offending God, who is all-good and who didn't deserve my disobedience), not presumption, is what elicits God's mercy.
God made me this way. My proclivity towards sin is because of original sin. Jesus came to set me free from being a slave to sin.

Another Update

2007-10-03T21:39:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while - for that I apologize. I received a comment that my posts were helpful - well imagine that! I'd like to announce in all humility that I've continued in a high level of success over my compulsion. I have fallen into my compulsion on three occasions since my last post and brought them to the confessional and got back on the horse - thanks be to God! I'm starting to wonder f I can still label it a compulsion and I actually may be more culpable with a greater freedom to choose, but the reality is that it is under intense stress that I have reverted and should be aware that I'm still quite weak in this matter.

Tonight I will offer my prayers for those who desire the grace to overcome their compulsions and I will also ask that those receive the grace to beg God and our Lady for victory.

- Peace +JMJ+

Success is Possible!

2007-05-09T08:37:00.000-07:00

I'd like to report to all my visitors that in the last year I've been able to claim a substantial level of victory over my compulsion. The key has been the daily praying of the Rosary. This ancient prayer has provided me the grace, strength and courage to say no to my impulses.

The Rosary , like many things in the spiritual life consists of form and substance. The form of the Rosary is the prayers (i.e. Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory be, and the Fatima prayer). The substance or spirit of the Rosary is the mysteries (i.e. Glorious, Joyful, Sorrowful, Luminous). I find great consolation meditation on the life, death and resurrection of our Lord in the company of our Lady. The Rosary is the prayer of the Gospel, as Fr. Corapi says (http://www.fathercorapi.com).

Like many things in life, explanations can only point the way - one must "dive in" to get the full benefit.

Do Yo Want To Be Made Well?

2006-04-11T09:07:00.000-07:00

I went to confession after messing up again on Monday (It's a stress thing, I think). The priest looked me in the eyes and reminded me of the story in the Gospel of John where Jesus askes the man who had been afflicted with his illness for 38 years, "Do you want to be made well?"

What a question! It doesn't seem to be worth asking - but Jesus asks it. Then the priest asked me, "Do you want to be made well?"

He told me to meditate on the story. I left the confessional and cried for twenty minutes. Jesus was asking me if I wanted to be healed of whatever drives me to this ugly act - to my pornography. I responded to Jesus, "yes."

I entrust my wellness to the grace of God.

Can Prayer Really Conquer Pornograpy Addiction?

2006-04-03T08:16:00.000-07:00

I went to confession a week ago. The Priest recommended I use meditative prayer to combat my addiction. He said "The only way you'll attain the purity you desire is through meditative prayer like the Rosary."

My pattern of pornography addiction seems to be on a weekly cycle, Mondays are the worst (it used to be Sunday nights). I began praying the Rosary again with its meditation on the Gospel and it's definitely making a difference. My hope & courage are "through the roof!" (don't I sound like some Super Ab Cruncher testimonial?). I even used five decades of the rosary to combat a temptation head on. I had even gone so far as to do a web search on some woman I saw on tv. By this point I would've been toast, but instead I just made my way to my prayer chair and by the time I was done, I had my peace back. I'll keep you updated on this wonder cure for compulsion.

Purity At Any Cost

2006-03-23T07:03:00.000-08:00

If your eye causes you to sin, PLUCK IT OUT! Those are sobering words - or they should be. The problem is that they are so unbelievably strong, we just don't believe them - or we don't believe Jesus meant them. The truth is that he did mean what he said. The operable word here is "if". The truth is our eye does not cause us to sin. It's our inability to control what our eye sees. It's the porn on the Internet. It's the liberty with which we look at women on the street or on TV. Those are the things that cause us to sin. So we should "pluck" them out. We should be just as ruthless as Jesus' words. We need to do a radical amputaion of the offending cause.

Most times we know exactly what we need to do: move the computer to a public place; avert our eyes when a seductively dressed woman walks by or shows up on TV; get a content filter for our computer; stop veiwing material that excites our passions.

What is it that you can amputate that will make the difference in the long run between heaven and hell?

When Peace Like A River...

2006-03-22T15:15:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what's up but I have peace today. No nagging desire to scour the Internet for pornography. It could be that I spent yesterday evening with the guys or maybe it was the five minute stop into the Eucharistic Adoration Chapel at church this morning or probably a combination of them. Thats my point: the key to overcoming compultions is having an interesting life. It's not that other people need to find your life interesting it's that I find inters in the things that I do. The minute I become bored or see my life as teadious, the tendancy to want to spice it up begins to loom in the foreground. You don't need to go jumping out of planes, you do need to do things that connect you to people, their lives and God. If you're having trouble meeting people, join a commuity service organization like the Knights Of Columbus or the Lions Club, or just volunteer at the local food shelf.

Stress & The Struggle

2006-03-21T07:15:00.000-08:00

I'm under a lot of stress. I don't have a regular income and I'm behind on meeting our budget, plus there's nothing on the horizon to make up the difference. On top of it all, the stress has driven me to masturbation and porn. This makes me feel like God had better hold off from blessing me until I get the message and get my life back in order. That doesn't seem very easy right now. I want to escape and the escape that's right at my fingertips is masterbation & maybe porn (If I can find some). The advantage of the porn filter I'm using is that it does a good job, which means I don't "know" that my computer is the gateway to finding porn. In my last post I said that prayer helps and it does - when you use it. The questions need to be asked again. Does God love me more than I love myself? Yes. Can I trust that His ways will provide the true happiness I seek? Okay, I can buy that. So I'll pray.

Filters Don't Do Everything

2006-03-20T13:39:00.000-08:00

Just because you have an Internet filter on your computer doesn't mean that you'll never see Internet porn again. It gives you a fighting chance by minimizing the likelyhood that you'll stumble across pornography while doing your everyday (read: wholesome) online activities. The problem is when you want to explore the more shadowy corners of the Internet. If you're trying to find porn and you're reasonably clever, you'll probably find it. So my recommendation is that you find an accountability partner. An accountability partner gets a report of your online activities everyday or by some other trigger. The tool I use, NetMop, is a hack-proof filter that has an accountability tool buit in. You can give a special username and password to your accountability partner and they can view your online activity to keep you on the straight and narrow. You can also enter the email address of your accountability partner and when you visit a blocked site, or have an image load from a blocked site, your accountability partner gets an email notifying them that you've accessed a blocked site. Your accountability partner can check your activity to see if it was an innocent mistake or if your were cruising the shadowy site of the Net.

Prayer = Progress

2006-03-20T07:22:00.000-08:00

You know that nagging temptation to do something to elieviate the driving impulse of sexual temptation? There is a solution - prayer. I know - I know - who wants to pray at a time like that. The problem is we probably don't want to give up the potential satisfaction of giving in to our compulsion or addiction. So we need to first settle the issue of pleasing God or Self. God wants our freedom more than we do (obviously). Let's consider that for a moment. God wants our best - our peace and self possession. If we truly believe that, it may be a bit easier to allow our temption to be replaced by - or better yet, satisfied by - the intercourse of prayer. I recommend a formal prayer like the Our Father or Hail Mary. While praying, present yourself to God and include your present temptation and urges. Allow God to satisfy your need for comfort by the very act of being in communion with the loving God who loves you more than you love yourself.

I just did this and it worked!

See Masterbation As It Is

2006-03-17T08:37:00.000-08:00

This is a great paper on masturbation as an addiction or compultion and the Catholic view the level of cupability (i.e. how responsible we are for the action). It helped me put my actions in perspective and see that though I have committed a sin, in most cases I lacked the consent to raise it to the level of serious personal (mortal) sin. Read it here.

Starting out

2006-03-16T15:43:00.000-08:00

I have a purity problem. I view porn about 2-4 times a month. I'm compulsive about it and I hate it. I'm married with kids and I'd die if they ever found out.
On the possitive side, I've progressed in my purity. I used the do the big M almost every day - now I can say it's been almost a month. Did I say I was married? She's a great woman but we aren't the most active couple in the world. If we do it once every three weeks, I'd be amazed. Through ten years of marriage we've become a bit cowardly in bed.

So that's my battle in a nutshell. I've got a good bit to say on this topic and even some things I've found helpful - so stay tuned.